While the Queen slept

Less than half a mile to the West, the Queen sleeps snugly in her bed. As dawn breaks, the treeline sways beneath a rushing sky. Green and white striped deckchairs lay stacked, chained firmly to the ground. Leaves dance in formation across the foot-worn grass tossed and jostled by a fickle wind. Blown hard against a bush is a cardboard sheet with traces of a vaguely life-size human form imprinted upon it.

A crow, seemingly the first to rise, pulls a McDonald’s bag from a near to overflowing bin. Ripping the paper with great ease, the bird discards the soggy bun. All it wants is the burger meat. Scanning left to right with beady eyes, it takes the morsel in its beak and flies up high up into a tree.

Below, amongst the bushes, broken branches, torn blue packets, Extra Safe. Small brown capsules, amyl nitrate. Old school ravers sent from Heaven. Tinsel, feathers, dressed as angels, caught together in full flight.

Cigarette ends congregate beneath the benches beyond the reach of keepers’ brooms. White filters, lipstick-stained, mock cork – gold bands, cardboard roaches, extra slims – smoked right out, stubbed and twisted, left to burn – and some with still a puff or two to smoke.

An empty wallet tossed, abandoned. A young man wanders phone-less, card-less, surrendered to a Romanian camper, out of fear, without a fight.

A sense of place

Never mind the benefits payments didn’t cover the 40 cigarettes a day I needed to keep sane; I finally had a roof over my head. The AA meetings weren’t so bad, and I felt strangely good about going straight. They placed me with one of those landlords who specialise in the hard-to-house – high rent, small room, collect their money straight from the council. This all-bills paid arrangement suited me fine. The odd roach intrusion and occasional mouse didn’t bother me much. Nor did the man who thought we were aboard a ship or the girl who tested out prospective partners for the shower sex record every night.

These things became a source of comfort, the reassurance of a routine, a sense of place.

Programmed to park

Green lights flash madly
Single parking space in range
Two cars clash head on

Twin horns bellow out
Engines rev at full throttle
Tyres rasp the road

Ocean Paradise
vies with French Vanilla to
permeate the air

No pedals to press
Not a steering wheel to turn
Google does it all

As doughnuts need jam
So data must have its pride
Error has no place

Metal hits metal
Windshields and headlights shatter
Battle never ends.

Defective part

I’m pissed to fuck and dabbed out of my head on sticky cocaine. My jeans and socks are inside this thing, doing some sort of dance. The half-a-tab has rewired my brain. Hoodie and T-shirt are in there too. As it starts to whirr and shake, my body picks… picks up the beat. I want it harder, more intense. Be my bass god, techno priest. Its vibrating motor gathers speed, white skin against white metal, my body wraps around it, groin pressed firmly to its throbbing shell. It rocks me backwards, rocks me forwards, feeling frisky, feeling nice, then there’s this kinda click. The pulsating motor gets stronger, stronger, building, building with every stroke. Doing me like some monster bunny… breathless, panting, faster, louder… faster, faster, panting, louder, breathing, breathless… feeling horny as a rhino… and then … the machine shudders… “What the fuck?“… and stops.

“Alexa, you gotta help me out!” I scream at the black tube-shaped box. Time takes a holiday, the intercom buzzes. “That was quick”, I think.

“Problem with your washing machine, sir?” says the voice.

Come, quickly!” I say, and in comes the engineer.

Then he does what engineers do, a scratch on his head, a tut-tut-tut, then lets out a breath of stale air.

It’s not serious? You can fix it?” I say, trying not to appear too desperate, “I’m sure it’s under guarantee!

No worries, sir, we always find the fault“, says the engineer, scanning me with his camera-stare eyes.

I ask him politely, “Cuppa tea? Choccy bik?“; to test if he’s human, get my drift?

That won’t be necessary, sir“, says he, with his monotone voice.

It’s got to be; he’s one of them AIs. I’m 78 per cent certain.

There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with this machine, sir“, it says.
95 per cent and rising. Stay calm, prepare to run.

But it shuddered and stopped?” is the best I can mutter.

That’s what washing machines do, sir, once they’ve finished their cycle“, it says, pointing. “Just press the reset button here.

She came first… that’s so sweet.

Fuck!” two more engineers at the door.

All sorted here?” one asks.

I’ve located the defective part“, says the first engineer.

The other two stand to block the door. “Shall we order a replacement, boss?

What they clearly mean is me.

I stand there like a rubber leaf; my bladder thinks the worst.

The engineer looks at me, then looks at his two men. “Don’t think that will be necessary lads, but thank you all the same.”

One by one, their lips quiver, and their stern mouths start to crack. A more beautiful sound you’ll never hear than when washing machine engineers begin to laugh.