Dear Professor Khrysto,
RE: TOWN GALA CELEBRATIONS
We are delighted to confirm that the Committee has unanimously agreed to include your Punch and Judy theatre as one of the prime attractions in our Town Gala Celebrations. You will also be be pleased to know that the Major will be attending the show in person along with the Lady Mayoress and their family. A local company will be videoing the event for live stream on the Internet. Exciting stuff.
There are just a few formalities concerning the cast. While we have the greatest respect for the Punch and Judy tradition within both our local and national culture, I have been instructed to inform you that some of the characters listed in your submitted Dramatis Personae will not be permissible. The likeliness of certain characters to offend members of one or more community groups is too high to risk for an event that aims to encourage diversity and family participation. This decision was based on numerous discussions between members of the relevant sub- committees and extensive consultations with schools, parents’ associations and leaders of community groups. I must therefore request that the following characters are excluded from the show: Pretty Polly, Mr Punch’s mistress; Jim Crow, the black minstrel/servant; Jack Ketch, the Hangman; and the Devil. If you wish to discuss the rationale in more detail, please don’t hesitate to contact me. However, do be aware that the vote has been taken and the Committee’s decision is not revocable.
You will be happy to learn that the Committee has approved the Ghost. Objections by members of certain minority groups on the grounds that children could be adversely psychologically affected were judged unfounded by a clear majority.
While Blind Man was not deemed objectionable per se, he must be treated with proper respect and not become a victim to verbal or physical abuse by Mr Punch. With Universal Credit now in place, certain committee members also questioned whether this character needed to beg.
We trust that you will understand that it is the Council’s duty to represent the views and sensibilities of the community as a whole and this request is in no way a criticism of your most excellent proposal or your fine work as an entertainer. We hope you see our small request as an artistic challenge and feel sure that you will meet it in the spirit by which it is intended. I know that I can safely speak not only for the Committee , but for everybody at Town Hall, by saying that we are all very much looking forward to seeing your show in a few weeks time.
Yours faithfully,
Mustafa Brownlow
Secretary, Committee for Leisure, Culture and Public Spaces
Transcript of letter sent to Professor Khrysto from the Borough Council
Professor [1] Khrysto has been planning his last Punch and Judy show for months. It was to be the grand finale of his long career. All his puppets would get a part, the ones dating back to his grandfather’s day, those that he carved lovingly with his own hands, and characters such as Pretty Polly that were given to him by now departed professors.
At least that was the plan until the Council intervened. Wife beating, child abuse and murder it seems are totally PC, while adultery and the devil are not. Professor Khrysto was told that certain puppets would not be allowed to perform. Understandably, the Professor was very angry but, being the trouper that he is, decided the show must go on. He has vowed to give them a Punch and Judy they would never forget.
Be very quiet now and I’ll take you to the Professor’s workshop where he’s rehearsing a new scene. One more thing, you must promise not to tell a soul about what you see or hear. Say just one word and the Punchmen [2] will get you.
Sshhh now! The curtains are about to open.
“Fetch Hector[3], my horse”, squawks Mr Punch, “I must be off to see my Pretty Polly[4]“.
Mr Punch starts to sing, “She’s the darling of my heart, she’s so plump and …”, but the silence disturbs him. As he scans the empty stage with short staccato movements, a noose is lowered and comes to rest just above his head.
“Tis only a fool who tinks they can play a trick on me”, japes Mr Punch, poking the rope with his slap stick. “The last laugh will be on me.”
A voice fills the room, “Tis no trick Mr Punch. Tis your fate for all the bad deeds you done”, “Could this be… the ghost of Judy [5]?” Mr Punch quivers in mock fright.
“Prepare to meet your maker”, says the voice, as a black top hat rises slowly to reveal the grey hair and wizened face of the old Professor. “You must pay for the murder of your baby and your wife. You are to be hung by the neck until you are dead – dead – dead”.
The Professor adjusts his swazzle [6]. “Am I to die three times?”, squawks Mr. Punch.
“No, no; once will be more than enough!”, the Professor assures.
“How does that be?” Mr Punch scratches his head. “You said I was to be hung by the neck till I was dead – dead – dead? I count my dying times three!”
“Yes, you’re right Mr Punch; you’ll only die once but you’ll stay dead – dead – dead.”
Cupping his hands around his mouth, Punch whispers so only the audience can hear, “He may think me simple but we’ll see who keeps their head?”
Taking Punch’s arm between finger and thumb, the Professor guides him towards the noose. “Stop your fooling and prepare yourself for execution.”
“What, up there?”, exclaims Punch, stretching his neck to try and reach the rope. The rope lowers, “Try again!”
Punch waves his head carefully dodging the noose.
“No; down a bit, left a bit, down a bit more.”
”What, here?”
“No, no; through there”, says the Professor pointing directly through the noose. “This way?” asks Mr Punch, now on the other side of the noose.
“No, the other way, Can’t you see?”
Punch starts to sway and then falls down pretending he’s dead.
“Get up, you’re not dead.”
“Oh yes I am.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Oh yes I am.”
“Stop your fooling and get up!”
“Please, sir”, pleads Punch, bowing to the Professor, “could you show me the way, for I never was hung before. Please, sir, show me the way, and I won’t trouble you no more.”
“You certainly seem a fool. Look!” says the Professor, taking the noose. “You place your head in here like this, put the rope under my chin like this, and pull the rope tight to your neck.”
“I see now. You make it look easy.”
“When your head is in the rope, turn to the audience and say, Goodbye, fare you well. A quick pull on the lever and it will all be over.”
“This one here?” Punches pulls the lever. “Goodbye, fare you well.”
The whirring noise of a motor can be heard. The curtain starts to close. The Professor hangs by his neck in the noose. Mr Punch is nowhere to be seen.
Moments pass. Have we witnessed a murder? We promised not to tell.
The curtains open again. Mr Punch is bashing the still hanging Professor with his slap stick.
“Oedy dowdy do, that’s the way to do it”, squawks Punch.
We sigh in relief. It would have been good to see Pretty Polly perform.
Footnotes
[1] Professor is the term for a Punch and Judy puppet master.
[2] Punchmen is another name for Punch and Judy puppet masters.
[3] Hector is a hobby horse, a horse’s head on stick, rather than the four-legged variety. He rarely appears in contemporary performances.
[4] Pretty Polly, Mr Punch’s mistress, is loosely based on the character of Polly Peachum in The Beggar’s Opera, a lewd satire of Italian Opera and 18th Century Society.
[5] Mr Punch beat Judy, his wife, to death with his slap stick in an earlier scene.
[6] A swazzle is like a miniature kazoo. It commonly made from a reed or cotton tape held in tension between two bowed strips of flat metal. When placed between the tongue and the roof of the mouth, the Professor creates Mr. Punch’s high-pitched voice by talking or blowing through it.